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so i started this book last night called Captivating: unveiling the mystery of a woman's soul. So far i've read two chapters but already it's encouraged me as a woman. the first chapter is titled The Heart of a Woman and it describes in detail why women have the desires they have and how they aren't necessarily wrong. The biggest one that stuck out to me was the desire to be romanced and pursued. I loved the way the author made the reader feel as though it's completely natural to feel this way. Her explaination was that in Genesis God made man. The epitome of His creation. but when He looked at man God said it is not good for man to be alone, so He made Eve. The author says that Eve was the pinnacle of God's creation because she was created to accompany the man, BUT at the same time she was made in the image of God as well. Thus the desires that are woven into her being (to be romanced, pursued, to be vulnerable and nurture) are all characteristics of God Himself. Going on to being pursued, she states that women have been told that they are nothing more than to serve others and make themselves busy all the time. But as we can see in every woman they desire a man to pursue them. This is a characteristic of God. He says if you seek me with all your heart you will find me...a huge characteristic of God is that He desires us to pursue Him and in turn women have the same desire to be pursued. this is a beautiful realization men on the other hand are built as warriors. to fight for the woman, to defend his honor and to fight for the Lord. what better way for a man and woman to fit together than to have one be supportive, vulnerable and waiting while the other is valiant, strong and persistent? God definitely knew what He was doing the second chapter What Eve Alone Can Tell, is all about beauty. where beauty came from and what the beauty of a woman looks like. we've chalked it up to be all about appearances and pouring ourselves into other people. Now keep in mind we're supposed to love on others and put them first but if the woman is so busy all the time, how can she rest? They described this- a woman doesn't look right holding a shield and sword on the battlefield, or chopping down a tree. rather a woman is presented as a stronghold for her home, as a support and ezer kenegdo. The best translation for this is sustainer beside him. This is found in gen. 2:18 when God creates Eve as a sustainer for the man. Now God is our ultimate rock and ultimate foundation, but the desires to be pursued and loved by another one of God's children is not unheard of. we were created to be in relationships. God created us for fellowship with Him and saw that it was not good when man was alone, thus he created Eve. the perfect partner in everyway to suit the mans needs and the man to suit her needs. God is so intricate and detailed in the way He has made us and loves us deeply and desires to be pursued by us as well. so far it's been great. God's opened my eyes to a lot of things that i've been blind to and have renewed the desire in me to pursuit Him with all my heart everyday. what a great author of romance. :) I know You have what's best for me and I trust that Your timing is perfect. Help my unbelief and worry God because it's in Your hands. fight for me when i am too weak and save me in the daily battles that i face everyday. *meg “I have held many things in my hands, and I have lost them all; but whatever I have placed in God's hands, that I still possess." - C.S. Lewis   
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| - Hold My Heart who ever knew that scars could still hurt. it's obvious that there once was something there that cut so deep, but i've never heard of it hurting again. maybe it's the fact that it was never fully healed and it's easier to bring the memory back with a glance at the leftovers. who can wash the memories of what was away? who can take away the feelings of inadequacy where another told time and time again that inadequacy was all you brought over and over? how would they ever be able to fully see the truth and accept the love that you've offered? the scar runs so deep now that when the memory surfaces tears are your only friend. the only question you can ask is why and how. you recall the days of love shared between you and wonder how it was misconstrued...how did we fall so far? what if it really was there? what if it was all true? would that shatter the very core that you've sunk too? the bitter hole that you've dug for yourself to wallow in? was the truth too hard to cope with? that you might have actually been at fault too? or was your own shame too much for you to deal with? you ask how, but i believe that is a question you must ask yourself as well...search deep, because you know everything was laid out on the table. everything was wide open and fair game. everything was done with you in mind and everything was done for your interest. there is only one who can search my heart and know the real truth. and He is the only one that can truly heal and take the memories away. come close and hold my heart. let this no longer have a hold on me...let me no longer dwell on what was but rather what is in front of me. these memories are a thing of the past and i dont want them in my way. i dont want to remember the days of former happiness but rather as though it was so long ago. when You touch my face i know You love me, and i know You have my heart. i know have my best at heart and i trust You that this is better than i can imagine. let me see Your face that i may find comfort in knowing You are right here with me. let me feel You...surround me, overtake me, invade me. let Your love ran down and seal the gaps that have formed. fill the cracks. 'i come to You in pieces so You can make me whole' pull me back together so that i may be complete so if You have a moment why don't we go, talk about it somewhere only we know... *meg | | |
| - breathe     
how do you sustain yourself when it all comes down to one moment? not but a day before the time of action and an answer has still not been revealed. i guess this is where faith comes in. trusting that You will provide for all my needs including the times when it's down to the wire. You say that You will take care of me and i trust You but do not feel betrayed when i am discouraged. it's difficult for this human flesh to believe that You have abundant resources but i must continue to tell myself not to believe the lie that i should take this into my own hands. all things pass under Your authority and nothing happens without Your permission and so i pray You hear the cry of Your child and provide peace to my heart and a house to call home. It's in Your timing i trust You. (new song so far) Provider - *Meg Hunt i know Your grace is sufficient for me
and i know You'll provide for all I need
You've led me this far i trust in You
ya You're all i need, ya You're all i need
and i know Your timing is perfect for me
so i won't doubt the things i cant see
You have everything that i'll ever need
ya You have my heart, ya You have my heart *meg    
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| - Go Hard     
the leaves slowly turned as the clouds rolled past the midnight moon. We had been deserted and left for dead in a wasteland that we once called our world. Once the darkness fell, daylight was cherished and celebrated. But those moments are shortly followed by fear and anxiety. What was the happen next? would we be safe here forever? how long til they breeched these metal walls and destroyed our last bit of hope? how long? waiting...that's all we do. wait the fire blazed as we sat around, awake with impatience again and waiting for a plan. The faces of the men and women surrounding me were tired, worn out, and aged in just the 6 months we'd been here. These people were once average people, working 9-5 jobs, coming home to clean the house and relax a little, but now through the current circumstance, were forced to be soldiers. Our commander sat to my left and I could hear his breath rise and fall. He was thinking and before I could sputter a word he spoke. "I'm going out there." his words were met with much rebuke.
"WHAT?! you can't do that! you'll get yourself killed and then they'll know where we are!" objections were thrown at him with intense fury. "Well I'm going whether you like it or not. whoever wants to come with me can, but here's my plan. I'm going to ski through the forest out the back and make a run for it. we have to find their nest! I'm tired of living in fear! now who's coming with me?" silence. the faces of my comrads sank as they knew they weren't going to watch him die. I stood up, nodded my head in his direction and went to the amo hut. Inside the machine guns glinted in the light of the fire and i made my selection carefully. I stocked my belt with as much amo as i could muster and put about three rounds across my body. On a night like this, we were going to need it. Blue and Taug were right behind me and they stocked up as well. We all knew this was going to be a rough night. Some of our commrads were a little more hesitant to leave. Ninja was worried she'd hold us back so she opted to stay and protect the little gear we were leaving behind. our troops gathered and we analyzed our team. Dragon and Buhr are usually our comic relief, but even tonight they were quiet and ready for action. Blue and Taug brought out the war paint we managed to salvage when we raided a military base about 4 months ago. We all covered our faces until we were unrecognizable and blended into the forest.
"we ready to go?" our commander was ready for anything. There was no audible reply, just a slight nod from all 8 of us. 6 were staying behind, but 8 was perfect for our task. once we were over the wall, there was no turning back.
we lined up and helped each other over one by one and once we landed on the other side we took off. running through the forest with our guns ready. At a moments notice we were prepared to defend ourselves and our squad. Commander gave the hold signal and we all haulted immediately. It didn't take long for us to understand the military signs and adrenaline that tears through your body when in these situations. We knew exactly how to breathe, how to walk, and how to snuff out fear. he motioned us forward deep into the forest where only a small light could be seen. Dawn was nearing and we knew that this next hour of darkness would be the darkest. one more hour, then we're safe. we went together, never leaving a backside exposed, but covering every part of the team. the hault signal was issued again and we formed a circle, back to back. the wind died and everything seemed to stop moving. I listened for the breathes of my commrads but even they seemed to be caught in the chests of their idle bodies. i held my gun tighter, my finger on the trigger...ready.
there was a small fog at the base of the trees, since we had stopped i had time to notice it. As if being out here wasn't creepy enough, the fog added to the ambience. "Tyler! tyler! what's the plan?"
"quiet you idiot!" the commander was not happy, but before Blue could ask another question we all understood.
they were coming. out of the fog bodies began to appear and creep slowly towards us. i could hear the gasps of my team as they embraced for the coming encounter. there were so many of them. we were surrounded, hope was fleeting. it was wave after wave, they kept multiplying in the fog as though they were feeding on our very presence. my insides were shaking uncontrollably, but I was ready to fight, all i needed was permission. they grew closer to us and all of a sudden we hear Tyler scream "ATTACK!"
yells shot up into the night along with gunfire that rang for miles away. we were mowing them down and before i knew it i was through my first round and i had killed everything in sight. but they kept coming...
"tyler! there's too many of them!" I heard Dragon yell without letting up on the trigger. I stole a glance at Tyler's face and he knew it was true. "Alright! Break rank, but follow me to the main road. Let's MOVE!" he broke away into the night and meeting the enemy along the way we ran by shooting and severing their heads from their bodies. I'd watched enough zombie movies to know how to kill one, but doing it in real life is quite different. We got through their line and made a run for the highway. it felt like forever getting there but we knew running would buy us more time. Those were just pawns, we hadn't even recieved the fighting players yet. Sunlight was roughly 30 minutes away but we were all praying for it to break the horizon much sooner. 30 minutes out here could mean your life. Once we reached the highway we stopped to breathe. There was an old gas station across the street where we had found a working car a couple weeks ago. there wasn't a lot of gas but it could get us back to base. Dale and John volunteered to retrieve the car and bring it back over while the rest of us waited. We watched as they started the car and crossed onto our side of the highway. I heard something in the distance and wondered how I hadn't seen it coming. Another car was racing down the road and wasn't slowing down. "DALE!! WATCH OUT!" but it was too late. the other car smashed into them doing 50 and took them away into the night. I met eyes with Dale as fear gripped him and he reached out for help, but it was too late. They got him
the squad was speechless as we were unsure what to do now. But just as we seemed abandoned we heard our helicopter over the trees. "We're saved!" Ninja and Jubilee were flying and they were all set to land. About that time the metal screws and plates that were holding the helicopter together began falling off and falling apart. i could see fear grip both of them as they held on for a crash landing. the helicopter landed somewhat safely, but it was unusable. it all seemed like a bad dream. what was to be next?
we unloaded the helicopter of the materials and tracking device. Anything to help keep us alive was necessary. we began walking down the highway silent as we followed our commander. He was frustrated and wanted to take his aggression out on something, but he knew it was useless. we hadn't been walking long when we saw him. Standing on the highway in the distance roughly 50 yds from us with two of his buddies. "Tyler, what do we do?" I asked doubtfully. "We go see him."
Go see him? these creatures have been trying to kill us for the past 6 months, have annihalated our society, and practically driven us into extinction and you want to go see him? but this wasn't a zombie like the ones we had encountered back in the forest. no, this one was smart. Like the queen in a game of chess. trusting out superior officer, we followed with hesitancy. when we reached him he extended his arms and gave us a nice smile. "We've been waiting for you. Why don't you come with us." we didn't have any choice now...
he led us to a small hut off the side of the road where 5 of his zombie leaders (much like bishops, rooks and knights) were. he asked Tyler to sit across from him so that they could talk. We were pushed to the side, so hearing their conversation was difficult, but we all knew death would come before the sun rose, which was roughly 15 minutes away now. There was no way out
After 5 minutes of talking Tyler came to us and gave us the news. "They've decided to let us go."
"what?!" how could this be? they are creatures who don't care. "Their leader says we show great courage and he admires that. He wants to keep us around for awhile longer. We can return to the safe base." everyone was silent but was relieved at the fact that we would see another sunrise. We started walking down the highway away from the night and into the light. Who knew how much longer we had, but we rejoiced in the fact that we would live a little while longer. But we would not forget the fact that the man or creature who spared us was still looking on us and watching us as we walked away. This story is inspired by a dream I had a few nights ago. It's a little more detailed, but I wanted to create it into a story. I know it's kinda morbid and scary, but hey welcome to my dreams! lol anyway i'll write again soon. til later... *meg    
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| - White as Snow Father, it all seems so misunderstood...here I stand on my path and many people are on it with me, but You are my only focus. You are at the end, everywhere along the way, and You were a part of everything I have come through. Where is my offense Lord? Psalm 139:23-24 says "Search me O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in my and lead me in the way everlasting." That is my prayer. I am saddened and bruised by the things in the past. jealousy taking over and driving emotions. PLEASE don't let that be the case here, allow communication to flow freely and openly. Allow each one to see each others side and have an understanding heart. This isn't the first time this has happened and so it makes me feel that it is my fault for the tension. Lord search me and know my intentions and my heart. point out my offenses so that i may turn from them and be shown the right path. please dont let me be short, but in everything consider others better than myself. may my words always be seasoned with salt so that i may say everything out of love and truth. is there only one who really understands me Lord? was i mistaken to put so much trust in a person? was a fool to believe that they wouldn't one day let me down too? maybe i was setting the bar too high or expecting too much. Lord only You satisfy and only You are able to get me completely. people are human and we are selfish, myself included. I worry because i feel i am more understanding and accepting than others because You have bestowed that gift to me. I worry because i feel that if i do not revolve around their times frame, i am at fault. but i do not believe this to be true and know that it will all be settled when they feel it's time to talk to me. You word says dont let the sun go down while you are still angry with someone, and i dont want that to be the case but the other party does not feel the same way. all i can do is what You've asked and i have...so i will wait patiently. please prepare their hearts and speak to them, help them be understanding to me and to the situation at hand. You are soverign and know what You're doing. come close and hold my heart... White as Snow - Jon Foreman
(based off of Psalm 51) have mercy on me O God
according to Your unfailing love
according to your great compassion
blot out my transgressions. would You create in me a clean heart, O God
restore in me the joy of Your salvation
would You create in me a clean heart, O God
restore in my the joy of Your salvation
the sacrifices of our God
are a broken and a contrive heart
against You and You alone
have i sinned wash me white as snow
and I will be made whole
wash me white as snow *meg Psalm 73:23-26
"Yet I am always with you
you hold me by my right hands.
You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will take me into glory.
whm have I in heaven but You?
and earth has nothing I desire besides You
my flesh and my heart may fail
but God is the strength of my heart,
and my portion forever." | | |
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